Inundated by witnessing concurrent crises, I freeze. Interpersonal trepidation; I stare.
I can be high-functioning and masking, but there are low points and quicksand overwhelm. I like being transparent about this here, to normalize whatever neurodiversity it is that makes everyday adulting often feel impossible for me.
I stare at my phone: a message of love I want to respond to, but the synapses aren’t synapsing. Instead, glitch-media has me opening an app I keep trying to delete but get distracted on the way there because: how much horror can keep unfolding? To dissociate or isolate with the information?
Some of the things that paralyze me:
major ecocide like coral reef die-off bleaching the biodiversity of Lida’s future
everyday moments of runaway consumerism for instant gratification with no end in sight
billionaire tech monopolies profiting off attention, vulnerability, information
bills and tasks to keep funds in my account and food on the table
having so many brilliant, talented friends without jobs or funding
watching a buck lie down in our backyard with an arrow-wound
staring up at the English ivy and sudden oak death choking the forest
witnessing children murdered by Israel after another fake ceasefire
seeing human beings terrorized by ICE
It doesn’t have to be this way and a total overhaul of this capitalist hellscape is in order and the masses are too complacent, too privileged, too ignorant, or pushed into their own survival mode.
The violence of capitalism is relentless. These instances aren’t comparable; the inequities are devastating. It’s feeling so out of control and beyond what we can impact…or is it?
Enter: will-power. Solar plexus. Soul-care. Trying and trying to remediate within so that we can be out here, facing all of this, together. Releasing the need to be strong all the time, to be understood or liked, to have it all together, to hold everyone around me. Accepting the frequent paralysis and allowing openings to soften the fright.
Sit: sick. Stuck in bed. Two weeks ago some virus took over and I couldn’t base my value or distract my mind by doing. Release, release, release. In between I had to get my girl up and ready for school. Find energy to pick her up, try coordinating care, try cooking for her. Being real with her about where my energy was at. And still showing up.
I’ll get stuck and sink and then a lift will come when I least expect it. In the unknown of what’s unraveling, there’s some solid forms holding us. What are they for you?
Some of mine:
🦌 Being a gentle landing for my daughter. Teaching her and holding her hand through learning life at 9. I’m so proud of her. Even in the moments where we make mistakes, we repair. We talk about what came up. We keep growing. I won’t stop striving to be the best mama I can to her.
📓 Indexing. Here is my current postdoc summary. A timeline to understand the life events and sites of learning. It reminds me what’s here, present, asking for my attention. Expanding my experience. Schooling me, teaching me, shaping me, too. I can track meaning, sew intention.
☎️ Phone chats with Beloveds. I don’t care if I should be able to sit with my thoughts alone; I wanna hear my beloveds’ voices, see their faces in a video call. These kindreds keep it real with me. Chatting helps keep invasive thoughts aired out, head-spirals straightened out. After tears we find our way to laughter.
🖌️ Slow painting. I make 2-3 paintings a year and that works for me. It means I come to them as old friends. I sit with layers of memory in place and get privy to multi-species communication, color therapy, generative stillness. Sitting, I sink in. It’s where I don’t rush. It’s where I follow inspiration, planet/plant medicine.
🌊 Releasing comparison and shame. I’m not the best at cleaning, cooking, or communicating. I’m not performing like I’d hoped in many of my responsibilities. The mistakes are many. Pero there are things I do well. There are qualities I do possess that are offerings to this world. I release the shame by toning in the tub; sinking into warm herbal waters and moving emotion through sound around my water-body.
🪷 Noticing the medicine that persists. There are deep pockets of joy. There are connective conversations. There are birdsongs and crickets that have come back. We’re three wet seasons into refilling aquifers. The pozo blue is thriving. The black sage is growing, the native bees and hummingbirds are fed. These scents bring respite to the people I work with, to me and the people I love.
👓 Bringing attention to what people are doing to resist facism. The brilliant maneuverings in LA, Chicago, and beyond that are stopping ICE’s rampage, refusing their passage, notifying neighbors and pulling people to safety. How our local public school won’t rescind Indigenous People’s Day and teach lies about Columbus. Pointing toward examples where restoration has happened, where Land is returned to native stewardship, where otter are populating urban waterways again. So we know what’s possible.
🎧 Audiobooks, music, guided meditations, comedy, and more
I had to stop trying to make it all make sense and stop believing that it’s going to get better soon. I had to pause what my plans were and what I thought I could take on. I had to drop in to not drop hope. Not turning away and not turning against myself. Sinking into Earth long enough to recharge and break paralysis for one little task here, one returned call there. Investing in reciprocity.
It matters how sensitive we are. We are feeling and reeling. We will not succumb to false illusions of security. We will keep trying to organize against all odds. Reaching for each other through pain and hurt. We will not stop joy. So much is slipping away. Speak your truth. We will tether to what’s living and expand its possibility when we can. Then, we will rest.
We might freeze but please reach out to not stay frozen. Try to not take things personally. Ask for accountability and hold boundaries when your kindness feels violated.
Divest, defund. From google, meta, amazon, spotify, corporate banks, fast-fashion. Try Ecosia as your search browser. Protonmail as your inbox. It’s not on us to fix the world but we can withold our money when possible. Divest from Empire’s mythologies of competition, individualism, and scarcity.
Fund change-making artists, mutual aids, and food banks. Find shifts away from this matrix of extraction and power, in ways that are accessible to you right now, planning for the shifts that are larger and more complex with one smaller step at a time.
Ask for help.
Every act of care that defies capitalist violence matters.
briefly looked through your postdoc summary and feel encouraged to draft mine of 2025 so far ✍🏼🌱 a helpful reminder that learning moments are everywhere